Hello World

Cows are Nocturnal

Time is 3:34am

Sitting on my couch, enjoying my Kit Kat bar. This is something I picked up from my dad, and honestly there are better things to learn from the old man than late night snacking. A high calorie one if I may add.

The air is still.

I don't know what's causing it but it seems to me that tonight is different from any other night. I feel a strange discomfort, a melancholic state of mind that seems to rear its ugly head occasionally. Puzzling, but I'm guessing it's because I have had quite an exhausting week. I want to blame work, as usual, but I will not bore you with my repetitive rambling on how busy I have been (whoever you are really, coz I'm guessing this once-a-year update isn't really going to keep any reader sitting around waiting for things to happen)

Turbocharging backwards

I'm 34 this year.

Good God I'm old..

They say if you feel young at heart, age is but a number.

I do feel that way most of the time, which explains why I'm such a kid when I'm in front of my friends. But how far can one run from the reality of aging, especially in my case when the follicles disagree. Physically, all signs of aging are slowly creeping up. The regular gay man will probably dedicate a truckload of money to buy promises off the shelf to reverse every bit of what nature intended us to be. As vain as I think I am, I can't seem to put myself through all the cleansing, toning, moisturising facial regime most gay men religiously stick to. Probably I'm lazy. Probably I just don't give a damn. I suspect I'm really not that afraid of aging, that I'm really just getting all dramatic about it because gay men are just naturally expected to be afraid to age. That's a stereotypical statement for sure, but it could very well be true. That's because those who are genuinely afraid to age will never risk talking about the topic, but will quietly exhibit every sign of fear by going the distance to reverse it.

Do I have a point?

I don't. Read on.

Of nasty people

Over the years I have developed very little tolerance for nasty people.

I see no reason anymore to entertain people who are deliberately trying to work you up, and I see this ever so often at work. I used to spend sleepless night, thinking about how I can make things right when it is obviously not within my role to do so. Business is really just business. You pay the money, I provide the service. It is fair and there shall be no expectation as to how I should, apart from doing the job, make you feel like you are God's messenger from heaven above.

Of growing waistline

My oh my, how my mind is randomly throwing things at me.

Reading back the above, I can't help but cringe at how fragmented my thoughts can be at times, and how this is probably going to irritate some readers. Again, who are these imaginary readers?

Anyway, I'm typing this with my notebook nicely resting on my well padded midsection. I can point my finger at various sources for the root cause of my obesity, but I know damn well there is no one to blame but my misbehaving hands that are constantly shoving food to my face. Bad hands.

Concluding what shouldn't have started

I should be in bed, wandering through an empty space that is filled with nothing but sweet dreams. A place devoid of all issues that require anything more than half a brain to process. That would've been a lovely night rest.

Good night folks. And my most profound apology for what is possibly the strangest entry yet.

K

The longest time since I last blogged

You know, sometimes a day will just go by without anything special or interesting to blog about. And on certain days, countless exciting things take place and you have absolutely no time to blog too, simply because when you're kept busy and happy, you don't write.

Hah.

There.

So what am I doing here today?

What else other than to share with the blogosphere what I have been up to, not that anybody cares or even read the blog haha. This is best actually, so that I can write what I have inside my head instead of trying to please the reader like what I used to do many years back when this blog was reasonably active.

Here goes:

Today is day 8 for me in Singapore. This is possibly the longest time I have ever spent in the republic and the feelings have been rather mixed.

• I'm happy because I don't have to pay a cent for my 5-star accomodation.
• I'm unhappy because I'm torn not being sure whether I want to be back in KL to attend to my business or to be happy here in SG.
• I'm very happy because everyday I do my work with the city skyline consisting of Esplanade, The Singapore Eye, Merlion, Marina Bay Sands and The Helix bridge as my view.
• I'm unhappy because I am currently dealing with some issues of the heart that a resolution is still not in sight.

So yeah. There. Happy. Unhappy. Fucked up right?

Sometimes I really wish that life's issues can be solved with any rational solution that our head can come out with. At least we can say that we are dealing with life's challenges.

But what if there's no real solution to an issue?

Like if you were to do this, then it will solve this but eventually bring about another issue?

Then you start weighing the priorities right?

What if they are both equally important?

Then i guess you are stuck in a deadlock situation.

I'm determined to get out of this deadlock, but my heart and head battle each other so much that I seriously get a migraine every single day. Top it up with some other work problem it can be a rather ugly picture.

Talking about pictures, let me share some random pictures.

view from the Esplanade

crazy expensive Japanese restaurant in Marina Bay Mall - SGD55 for 5 pieces of "PREMIUM" sushi. People who knows me know that I don't mind spending on food, but this is utter ridiculous. And the restaurant ain't that posh anyway.

View from the hotel room on Level 27.

Ah, I was soaking in the bath tub. Got bored. Took a pic. Period.

Another shot of the Marina Bay Sands Hotel from the Esplanade.

Back from Bangkok

Back from bangkok at 12am and only managed to reach home around 3am.

We went out for dim sum for a bit before zoning out, marking the end of probably the best Bangkok trip ever :)

I now declare that Siam Paragon's Gourmet Market sells the best durian sticky rice!

It was so good I couldn't switch my mouth from muttering words of praises and chewing at the same time. It was chaotic to say the least.

I totally stuffed my face silly.

And I hereby also declare my undying love for Dean & Deluca (http://www.deandeluca.com) for serving crazy fabulous food, which is rather expensive by Bangkok's standard but bearable for us Malaysians. Their almond slice croissant is sent directly from heaven and the dessert is both a treat to look at and to the tastebud. The salmon teriyaki is CHEAP at 160baht for the whole slice. Where on earth can you find that??

Anyway, enough of that.

I am very content simply because I enjoyed myself this trip with my best buddies.

As usual, we are very capable of having the best time whether it is KL, Thailand or wherever. We have gone past the stage of learning about each other, and we are all very comfortable talking about almost anything under the sun.

ok I am losing my flow of thought.

I need to pack up and head home to repay my sleep debts.

Summary for November 2010

We have reached the end of November, and probably in a blink of an eye, 2010 will be gone and forgotten. So allow me to get ahead of myself just a little and talk about how my year has been, instead of going nutcase with the crowd come dec 31.

I did not like 2010.

Of course, we have to say nice things about everything because for every second you wallow in negativity, we encourage our mind to think the same. So think positive they say, and good things will follow.

I say fuck it. I still think 2010 sucked.

I tell you why:

1) My business has grown, but not as much as I have intended it to be.

2) I'm much more calm this year in managing certain challenges I thought I'd explode, but I have still exploded twice in the face of an existing client and a prospect.

3) I thought I have found real contentment in settling down in a relationship, but it ended half way through the year.

4) I have kicked several bad habits I have, but gained a few others more.

5) I have gained some (almost too little) size due to personal training, but not enough for anyone to notice.

6) I made an important promise to myself to spend more time with my family, but failed rather miserably.

Kinda sucky?

But who can I possibly blame?

No one but me I guess...

Makes me think what the hell do we actually want to achieve in this thing we call life.

We are always running and running, chasing all kinds of things but what on earth do we REALLY want?

I actually stopped running that day and gave thought to this.

And I seriously couldn't figure it out.

I guess I just wanted to be happy.

But how does one get there?

I don't know.

SO yeah.

we are all so fucked.

What a way to end a year. yayz.

We try, and then we die.

Life has so many ways to make things look rather interesting.

We experience many ups, yet all the downs somewhat offsets it and at the end, we are always in our neutral form.

We are not happy.

We are not sad.

And then we die.

Life is but a game, and that is the truth.

You can never truly understand what people are thinking.

Clients, Lovers, Parents etc.

You just sail along, doing your best, hoping that your best is seen and appreciated.

What more can one do if the best isn't enough?

I'm currently in that state right now.

My best seems to have failed to impress.

Probably I tried too hard. Probably I havent tried hard enough.

The bottom line is I tried.

I could possibly take certain things a bit too seriously.

Maybe I should just relax and work on it, until my effort is seen as unnecessary.

So the question is simple.

Do we all, man woman kid elderly doctor engineer lover parent student teacher...

die trying...? eventually?

ps: this post is about work. not love. just FYI :)

an early morning post

Got up around 7ish just now, something that is rarer than the blue moon.

Standing at the balcony, looking at Bukit Jalil, I have never seen it look so pretty before.

A great sense of calmness in that part of the city where people are so busy living their life they forget to be friendly.

But now, it's just peaceful.

Well, not in an hour's time I'm sure, when insanity takes over.

Oh well..

Actually this post is about something else.

I want to record this part of my life down as I have never felt this way before.

All these years, I thought I have been getting the best of everything, both in materials as well as friendship and any other things life has to offer. How wrong was I.

I mean, yes I had great moments in the past.

But I realised I have done very little to bring myself forward, and most of the things I do merely satisfy me on a short term basis. I have never planned for anything grander than that.

And that is just sad.

Even sadder now that I realised this at the ripe OLD age of 33 (going on 34 yikes)

So I have so much to catch up.

And here are the things I have been absolutely busy with lately :

Personal Training

Fuck what they say about the shallowness of having a great body versus the real substance in the mind. The biggest problem is that people judge each other first by the way they look, before they even get to know them. And all these years I have been so content with buying new and expensive clothes to wrap around an average body, but what is far more important is that people look good in cheap clothing if they are in shape.

So here I am embarking on a journey of lifting weights, in hope that I can persevere through and achieve something out of this. So far, it has been merely one month into it but it felt like forever. No muscle tone whatsoever, but I generally feel much more healthier, which is good.

Let's just hope the good feeling precedes the visible physical results I expect. And I expect it before the end of this year.

Vocal Lessons

Had my first class yesterday. My trainer, Jeanie's an angel. She sounds like an angel!

I was so moved when she sang.

She taught me techniques which I've never heard of, mostly in the area of breathing, how to open up voice etc. All a bit too technical actually, coz I told her that I'm the type that performs only in my car (pity that car) and she said that's how most great artists started their passion in singing. Toilets, car, etc. Well, an artist I am not, but we'll see where this leads to :)

Oh she knows I'm gay! like LOL.

Complete Business Automation

This is a must.

In fact this is part of the this year's resolution and needs to be achieved.

I have 2 more new businesses coming up and time is finite, I need hands to manage the first one while I run the second and third show. I have a few candidates coming in next week, and I most certainly hope I find one that fits my requirement.

Home Renovation

This one is like so overdue.

The last time it picked up momentum, I only manage to do up the living room and the dining area. Stupid decision coz when they finally work on the bedrooms, they will end up wrecking the dining area. Lessons!

This will most likely spill over to next year, but progress it must make!

New Car

Dear Lord, this is my greatest weakness.

Probably the worse thing to have a passion for.

And all those months of savings just to get something that depreciates by the day.

But the joy it gives is inexplainable, and that's what matter most.

And talking to the tax advisor made me cry inside

Apparently the government of Malaysia gives tax exemption to any company car purchased below RM150,000 and not above it. That tax exemption is RM100,000.

RM100,000!

exempted from tax!

That is like fantastic considering corporate tax is like 20%.

But getting a car that is RM150,000??

Isn't that like my current Honda?

sigh

I'm still thinking what to do now.

an early morning post

Got up around 7ish just now, something that is rarer than the blue moon.

Standing at the balcony, looking at Bukit Jalil, I have never seen it look so pretty before.

A great sense of calmness in that part of the city where people are so busy living their life they forget to be friendly.

But now, it's just peaceful.

Well, not in an hour's time I'm sure, when insanity takes over.

Oh well..

Actually this post is about something else.

I want to record this part of my life down as I have never felt this way before.

All these years, I thought I have been getting the best of everything, both in materials as well as friendship and any other things life has to offer. How wrong was I.

I mean, yes I had great moments in the past.

But I realised I have done very little to bring myself forward, and most of the things I do merely satisfy me on a short term basis. I have never planned for anything grander than that.

And that is just sad.

Even sadder now that I realised this at the ripe OLD age of 33 (going on 34 yikes)

So I have so much to catch up.

And here are the things I have been absolutely busy with lately :

Personal Training

Fuck what they say about the shallowness of having a great body versus the real substance in the mind. The biggest problem is that people judge each other first by the way they look, before they even get to know them. And all these years I have been so content with buying new and expensive clothes to wrap around an average body, but what is far more important is that people look good in cheap clothing if they are in shape.

So here I am embarking on a journey of lifting weights, in hope that I can persevere through and achieve something out of this. So far, it has been merely one month into it but it felt like forever. No muscle tone whatsoever, but I generally feel much more healthier, which is good.

Let's just hope the good feeling precedes the visible physical results I expect. And I expect it before the end of this year.

Vocal Lessons

Had my first class yesterday. My trainer, Jeanie's an angel. She sounds like an angel!

I was so moved when she sang.

She taught me techniques which I've never heard of, mostly in the area of breathing, how to open up voice etc. All a bit too technical actually, coz I told her that I'm the type that performs only in my car (pity that car) and she said that's how most great artists started their passion in singing. Toilets, car, etc. Well, an artist I am not, but we'll see where this leads to :)

Oh she knows I'm gay! like LOL.

Complete Business Automation

This is a must.

In fact this is part of the this year's resolution and needs to be achieved.

I have 2 more new businesses coming up and time is finite, I need hands to manage the first one while I run the second and third show. I have a few candidates coming in next week, and I most certainly hope I find one that fits my requirement.

Home Renovation

This one is like so overdue.

The last time it picked up momentum, I only manage to do up the living room and the dining area. Stupid decision coz when they finally work on the bedrooms, they will end up wrecking the dining area. Lessons!

This will most likely spill over to next year, but progress it must make!

New Car

Dear Lord, this is my greatest weakness.

Probably the worse thing to have a passion for.

And all those months of savings just to get something that depreciates by the day.

But the joy it gives is inexplainable, and that's what matter most.

And talking to the tax advisor made me cry inside

Apparently the government of Malaysia gives tax exemption to any company car purchased below RM150,000 and not above it. That tax exemption is RM100,000.

RM100,000!

exempted from tax!

That is like fantastic considering corporate tax is like 20%.

But getting a car that is RM150,000??

Isn't that like my current Honda?

sigh

I'm still thinking what to do now.

The Best!

I cannot keep track how many times I have been watching this.

He's so good, so seriously mighty hawt, and freaking talented.

And the original, here.

I cannot afford it.

How many times have I told myself that I cannot fuse my desires with my current financial state.

No, I am not broke or in any kind of financial difficulties, just that I am far from being able to afford some of the things I want/need/desire/love.

Why is it so hard?

And is it true that as you earn more, your taste in stuffs will grow proportionately to that?

I remember during schooldays, I never had any form of cravings for anything luxurious. I was such a contented school boy. In fact, I couldn't remember if I ever wanted anything then.

Now?

Clothes.

Good food.

Vacations.

And now, cars.

yes, not too long ago I bought a car, and now I want a new one.

And stop that sick talk about what's the better investment, I am not stupid and I know its a freaking liability. Ultimately, it is my choice because I love cars. And not anything that I do with money, I need to get the best value for it, or to earn more as a result of utilising it.

Sometimes, I feel the sole purpose of money is to buy ourselves happiness, contentment and comfort.

In this case, the Audi A5 gives me that. All 3 of that.

Dear lord, I just spent 5 minutes behind that wheel and there's no way I can shake that feeling off and it has been more than 48 hours.

I wish I'm into barbie dolls or something. At the very least, the vintage collection of barbie wouldn't exceed RM10 - 20k.

The Audi A5? A handsomely RM308,000.

Yup you read that right. RM308 freaking grand.

And its a recond even. A new unit will set you back at least RM420k.

So now, this is where the big boys play.

Haihh...

I just cannot imagine what it's like if a financial crisis hits and business goes south, then I have a car to pay off. Sigh.

Man I'm sighing damn a lot lor.

No choice, I have no one to share this with.

All my friends have been truly supportive of this decision, for obvious reasons, no one is paying for the monthly dues!

Ok that's enough.

The whole plan is to own a new car by March 2011. That date stays. But the car that I will own? That is the biggest headache right now.

I need a huge deal within this 6 months, and it mustn't wait.

Dear A5, I WILL OWN YOU.

queens everywhere

having jap food, again.

This time, seated right in front of the sashimi counter.

chef1: - mumbles something -

chef2:....

chef1: why are you ignoring me?

chef2: did you say something

chef1: yeah was talking to you

chef2: didnt hear you

chef1: you ignore me all the time

chef2: i see you day and night, its normal

just a matter of time, before queens rule the world.